The Legend of Insanity
by Supa Artemis and Supa Cheyenne
Summary: The fate of Hyrule rests in the hands of two young teenagers. How original.
1. The Beginning of the End

Artemis and Cheyenne walked through the Kokiri forest.

"Zomigods Scooterpup wake up" they yelled at their friend.

"It was only an oversized boulder, it wouldn't hurt you." Artemis commented

"That much" Cheyenne added. Scooterpup groaned and drowsily got up. She glared at her caring, wonderful friends.

"What is your problem?! Don't push me into a boulder!" She yelled. Artemis' face fell. "It was really scaring us, Scooterpup"

"We needed you to distract it so we could run away, innocently abandoning you in the middle of a dangerous forest with plants that will eat youz." Cheyenne pointed out with a stupid grin.

"Oh my god, you two. Whatever, why are we here, anyway? It looks like an old Nintendo-"

"Because that douche in front of the entrance won't let us to see the important tree of wisdom without a sword and shield" Artemis said. Cheyenne looked down at her clothes. "Zomigods, we're dressed like Link."

"Oh my god, Link is my hero!" Artemis cried.

"You guys, shut up. We're here for the sword. In a freakishly animated forest. With giant boulders. Yeah. This is kind of weird." Scooterpup sighed, wondering how they got into this crazy place. Artemis stuck out her tongue and ran off.

"Artemis wait for meee!" Cheyenne ran after her friend. Scooterpup groaned and followed.

"Dadadadaaaa!" Artemis called out as she epically lifted a blue, unshiny sword out of a treasure chest.

"You found a Kokiri sword!" A text box said, suddenly appearing by their feet.

"What the hell" Scooterpup said, staring at her caring wonderful friends (who would never push her into a boulder), who apparently didn't seem to wonder why words had suddenly appeared underneath them.

"Okay!" Cheyenne said, excitedly. "All we need now is a shield! Let's go hack at grass!"

"Wait! I am having a better idea!" Artemis said. "We'll just steal it!"

"Yeah!" Cheyenne agreed, running off alongside Artemis.

"Wait you guys! That's against the law! Come back!!" Scooterpup cried out. "Oh, screw it." She grudgingly followed them.

When she got into the Kokiri Store, the shopkeep was sobbing and the place was a wreck. "Oh my god, what happened?!" Scooterpup asked another Kokiri.

"Two idiots ran in here, swinging a Kokiri Artifact and attacked us! They stole a shield…"

"Ugh." Scooterpup ran out towards the Deku tree. Mido was there, unconscious. Scooterpup rolled her eyes and made a point to step on him when running through the trench.

Artemis and Cheyenne were staring at the Great Deku Tree in awe.

"YOU'RE COOL." Cheyenne called up at the ancient tree.

"I WISH YOU COULD TALK." Artemis grinned. Scooterpup grabbed them by their collars. "What are you guys doing?!" She hissed. She didn't know much about this…game, but she could tell the tree was important.

"Chosen children, you must help me." The Great Deku Tree suddenly began to speak. "The fate of Hyrule is in your hands"

"Wait." Scooterpup gawked at the tree. "You're…you're leaving it up to THEM?!" She gestured at her two caring, wonderful friends, who were flicking each other on the head.

"Yes," the majestic tree told her, "I have the utmost confidence in them"

"Hyrule is doomed" Scooterpup mumbled, under her breath.


	2. The Wisdom Tree, the Man Eater & a Pyro

"Thou hast come in my time of need," the Great Deku Tree told the three girls, his deep, majestic voice rumbling through the forest. "Artemis…Cheyenne…First…Thou needs to rid me of thy evil curse that hast set upon my hallowed branches"

"EBIVL?!" Cheyenne cried out, eyes widening, "WHERE?!"

"_In _the tree." Scooterpup sighed, wondering how she had gotten to be friends with such special kids.

"…Oh." Cheyenne said, calming down. Artemis grinned. "Awright, Dykyu Tree Man! Let us in!" She said. Cheyenne nodded vigorously and put the shield before her in an epic fashion. Artemis followed suit and raised the sword. Scooterpup rolled her eyes. "You guys…I think I'll sit this one out."

"Your loss!" Cheyenne said excitedly. "You-" She was cut off by the sound of the great Deku Tree's mouth opening. Yeah. Scooterpup stared, unsure whether everything else in this world was as weird as children-eating-trees. She sat down and pulled out her iPod as her friends happily skipped off, likely into their doom.

--

Artemis and Cheyenne wandered into the first big room.

"Hey!" Artemis called out, running up to a tentacle-like collection of leaves lying on the ground. Cheyenne ignored her, instead wandering around the wide span, stopping when she reached a giant spider web.

"AGH!" Artemis cried out, falling backwards as a Deku Baba popped out of the ground and started attacking her. "Zomigaaaawds!" She scooted backwards on her behind as three random hearts appeared above her, one half-filled. "GAAAA CHEYENNEEEEE! HELP!" She yelled as the Man-eater started chewing on her.

"What is it?" Cheyenne turned around from staring at the dirt. Her eyes grew wide. "What is _that_?" She ran over and stared at the hearts above Artemis' head. "Coooool. Do I have one?"

"CHEYENNE!"

Cheyenne turned around again. "Woah! What is that?!" She stared up at the three full hearts above her head. "Awesome!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH…" Artemis screamed, another half-heart disappearing.

"Aw, I'm just messin' with ya." Cheyenne ran over to her distressed friend and rammed the evil plant's head with the shield. Dazed, it dropped Artemis on the ground. "BAD MAN-EATING PLANT! You were supposed to wait for Scooterpup!" Cheyenne exclaimed as she continued hitting the freak of nature.

"Yeah!" Artemis said grumpily, apparently over her traumatizing experience moments before. She jabbed the Deku Baba in the eye with her blue, not-shiny sword, and it exploded. She stared at the now-empty spot. "Woah. That was kind of weird."

"Stupid plant" Cheyenne glared at the rest of the things. "Weeeell, we should probably get a move on." She looked over at Artemis, who nodded. "Yup." Artemis glanced around. "…Do you hear something?"

"No. You're craaazy."

"Shut-up." Artemis walked off, and noticed some vines lining a steep wall. "Hmmm. Think we can climb these?"

"Duuh. There's no other solution."

"Good point." Artemis started her ascent, with Cheyenne close behind. When they reached the top, they came to another wall of vines. Cheyenne turned to Artemis. "What do we do now? There are tons of scary spider things…" She hoped her friends vast knowledge of the Zeldaverse would help.

"Well…" Artemis started. "Those are Skulltulas, an easy monster to kill. They are usually found in the first dungeon, and are often first found near a slingshot, which is the weapon usually used to kill them.

"Buuuut…It's super boring to go solve all those easy puzzles to get it, so instead, let's just risk our lives and avoid them while climbing up a treacherous wall."

"Okay!" Cheyenne ran over to the wall and began to scale it. Artemis jumped up and followed her. They were almost at the top when they stopped to take a breather. Cheyenne turned beside and came face-to-face with a Skulltula. She gave out an ear-shattering shriek and pushed Artemis off the wall.

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…." Artemis' voice faded away as she fell through the giant spider-web in the floor.

"AAH!" Cheyenne jumped off after her friend.

KA-SPLOOP! KER-SLOOP! They fell after one another into the water.

"CHEYENNE! WHAT THE H-"

"Zomigods we did it!!" Cheyenne clapped her hands.

"Zomigods, we did! And…Now that sound is louder than ever!" Artemis happily said.

"What sound?"

"The sound of a Pyromaniac setting things on fire!"

"Oh. That would explain why everything's in a blaze."

Suddenly, a familiar face popped out. A white, gangster-y like guy with an earring appeared out of nowhere.

"AGH TRAVIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! THIS IS OUR GAME!" Cheyenne shouted angrily.

"AND WHY ARE YOU SETTING EVERYTHING ON FIRE?!" Artemis yelled in an equally angry voice.

Travis swore and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke, after setting the last item in the tree on fire, a random spider-web.

"Great. What are we supposed do now?" Cheyenne said, looking at the oncoming inferno.

"I know," Artemis said, in what could only be described as a spur-of-the-moment decision. "We'll cower under your wooden shield!"

"Great!" They sat under the puny shield, waiting for AGES until the blaze stopped…for some reason. They looked up once the embers were dying, just ashes and a treasure chest.

"Shit, we killed the Deku Tree."


	3. Revenge is Sweet

Artemis and Cheyenne plodded through the Kokiri Forest, too enthralled by the beautiful emerald they carried to enjoy the Kokiri children cowering in corners.

--

When our 'heroes' emerged to find the Great Deku Tree in ashes, their (small) surprise quickly turned to laughter when they saw Scooterpup's shock.

"Yo-You guys… I… You…" She closed her eyes. "I don't frickin' believe it."

Artemis ignored her friend, instead staring at the green gem Scooterpup held. "NO. WAY. Is that the Kokiri Emerald?!"

"What? Yeah, but-HEY!" Scooterpup replied as Cheyenne grabbed the jewel out her hands.

"IT'SSOSHINYIWANTIT" Cheyenne exclaimed, suddenly looking like she belonged in a mental asylum. Scooterpup glowered at her, giving the impression of belonging in a prison. Artemis, ignoring her two un-normal looking friends, was blathering on about the history and purpose of the Kokiri Emerald.

"The Kokiri Emerald is one of the three jewels required to take control of the Master Sword. Obviously, it has been in the care of the Kokiri Tribe. The last two, a ruby and a sapphire, are in the care of two other tribes, the-"

"Shut up, Artemis." Scooterpup snapped. Artemis, taken aback by her friend's interruption of her super-special-awesome speech, stood with her mouth slightly agape. "You guys are idiots." She said disgustedly. "I can't believe The Great Deku Tree is entrusting Hyrule's fate to you."

"Yeah? And what are YOU gonna do about it, huh?" Artemis said, still pissed off that she couldn't finish her speech.

"Maybe I'll save Hyrule myself!"

"Maybe you should!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"I FREAKING LOVE THIS THING!" Cheyenne said, breaking out of her reverie.

"…" Artemis and Scooterpup stopped and gaped at the girl. Scooterpup shook her head and headed towards the way out.

"I don't need you guys."

"Scooterpup! Wait…" Artemis called after her friend, giving up after it became apparent that she wasn't coming back.

"Hey, can I be THE Gem Keeper?" Cheyenne grinned.

"No!" Artemis said crossly.

"HEY!!" Cheyenne glared at her. "I DON'T NEED YOU!" She ran after Scooterpup. "Hi, Scooterpup! I'm gonna come with you!"

"What? Oh. Fine." Scooterpup sighed, not wanting to refuse her friend, but not exactly wanting to spend who-knows-how-long saving the world with an idiot in tow. "Hey, you still into that Yami character?"

"Yes!" Cheyenne replied. "Of course! Why?"

"No reason. I always… just, you know. Thought he was kind of lame…"

"Yami is wonderful and sexy and… What." Cheyenne glanced over at Scooterpup. "What was that? That you just said?"

"Uh…"

"That you just said about MY YAMI. MY YAMI IS NOT LAME. I…I can't believe you just…you…" Cheyenne stormed off, back in Artemis' direction. "I DON'T NEED YOU, YOU YAMI HATER, YOU!"

"TELL ARTEMIS LINK IS LAME, TOO!" Scooterpup called after her.

"Artemis!" Cheyenne ran up, too upset about her horror at Scooterpup's obvious death-wish of Yami. "Sc-Scooter pup… She said…Yami was…was…" she paused dramatically. "LAME."

"Oh. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I guess. Silly Scooterpup!" Artemis said, lamely. Cheyenne, obviously deterred by Artemis' uncaring-ness, continued on. "…She also said that…"

"Eh? What?"

"That Link was lame, too!" Cheyenne cried. Artemis paused. "She what."

"She, uh…"

"She WHAT?!"

"I. Know. How could she say that about Yami?!"

"Screw Yami, no one freaking messes with MY Link!"

"We must go against her at all costs!"

"Revenge on Scooterpup!"

--

Artemis tore her eyes away from the Emerald. "How could Scooterpup say that?"

"Ugh, I know!" Cheyenne rolled her eyes, and then giggled as she noticed a Kokiri tremble in her wake. "Anyway, since we've declared revenge on her, we can stop worrying about. At least we'll get back at her. Hey, can I be THE Gem Keeper now?"

"How can you-fine!" Artemis said, obviously appalled at Cheyenne's lack of anger at Scooterpup's hate crime against Link.

"Oh, don't worry. I got back at her for Yami_…"_

"What…?"

--

"Mail for Ms. Scooterpup!" A mailman ran up to Scooterpup, who was figuring out her next move.

"Huh? Oh, thanks." Scooterpup opened the letter.

_Shut up, Scooterpup!_

_-Cheyenne_


	4. Devious Plans

-EDIT: I fixed a bunch of errors. Seriously, I don't even know how some of those happened D:  
____________

"That Owl talked for HOURS!" Artemis collapsed on the soft grass in Hyrule Field.

"It's YOUR fault for telling him 'No, I didn't get all that" FIVE TIMES." Cheyenne shot at her, falling to her knees beside Artemis.

"Well, they put it in the wrong spot!"

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

"Never mind…"

"Yeah, well, where are we going to get my next precious item of glory-ness and shiny love?"

"Hmmm… Well, next up is the Goron Ruby, obviously in the care of the Goron race-"

"Yeah, yeah!" Cheyenne jumped to her feet, her mind reeling with the prospect of another beautiful thing to fawn over. "We should go!"

"But first we need to-"

"No, we are going straight there, GOT IT?" Cheyenne's face darkened.

"NO." Artemis' face became monstrous. "WE ARE FOLLOWING THE PLOT OF THE GAME. WE ARE GOING TO HYRULE CASTLE. WE ARE MEETING PRINCESS ZELDA. WE ARE GETTING THE OCARINA OF TIME. ZELDA IS GETTING KIDNAPPED. THEN WE ARE GOING TO GET THE RUBY." Cheyenne was shocked to the point of absolute hilarity. "…O-okay… Sorry, I think…"

"You better be. Now, get your butt up so we can get to Hyrule before dark."

"Why? What happens after dark?" Cheyenne tried to ask, but Artemis seemed to have warped halfway across the field. "ARTEMIS, WHAT THE HELL!" She broke into a run after her companion.

"God, you are so slow!" Artemis stamped her foot once Cheyenne reached her, panting. "Come _on, _it's already evening!"

"What!? It's only been two minutes!"

"Oh, come on, we-" Artemis stopped short as the gate closed on them. Cheyenne watched in amusement as Artemis rattled off more than a few choice words.

"GRA!" Artemis fell to the ground as night enveloped the great city that stood before the girls. "Now we have to wait!"

"Or…" Cheyenne's eyes glittered evilly as she pulled out two torches.

"Cheyenne, where did you get those?" Artemis stared at the flammable sticks of doom.

"I, uh, 'borrowed' them from Travis…"

"Oh, I see…" Artemis' eyes took on the maniacal glint as she reached for the 'borrowed' items.

--

Cheyenne quickly shoved the evidence in her pack, and nodded for Artemis to do the same. The girls watched, amused, as Hylians tried to put out the flames, ran around trying to save their loved ones, or just curling up into a fetal position. "So, where to?"

"Hmm…" Artemis considered the game plot. "Well, Zelda is supposed to give us the Ocarina of Time, right?"

"Sure."

"Buuut… I'm pretty sure Zelda won't give the ocarina to us." Artemis sighed and gazed in the direction of Hyrule Castle.

"Why for not?!" Cheyenne's face looked distressed.

"Well, for one, she's ten. Second, we're kind of terrorists."

"Oh, yeah." Cheyenne glanced around at the chaos, which, to her displeasure, was dwindling. The pair spent the next five hours brainstorming ideas about how to best wrestle a valuable heirloom from a ten-year-old princess.

While our Dynamic Duo were being the intelligent young women they were, another two kids were off, ignoring the bedlam, hiding from the young girls' protector and generally having a good time. The boy, decked out almost completely in green, paused for a moment two look at the two girls who were concentrating hard, so hard, in fact, they were unaware they had slipped off the edge of the fountain and were seated in the shallow water. The poor kid had no idea how much these two would affect his life.

--

Exceedingly proud of themselves, Artemis and Cheyenne had formulated a complicated and hare-brained plan. All that was left was to put it into action. The two ran through the town, bowling over everyone in sight in search for the princess.

"Are you sure this will work?" Cheyenne called over, shoving an elderly man who had been unfortunate enough to be in her way into a striking young woman (which, for the man at least, wasn't such a bad thing).

"Of course it will! We're only beating up a small child, what could possibly go wrong?" Artemis hurdled over a shopkeeper. "We-" She stopped dead in her tracks to stare at two rather flowery men who were 'dancing' with each other. Cheyenne, after nearly colliding with our other 'hero', burst into laughter. Our Dynamic Duo promptly forgot about their quest and rolled around laughing at the flamboyantly gay Hyrulians.

"Um, excuse me?"

"Huh?" Cheyenne looked down at a shadow. That was TALKING. "OMIGOD! Artemis! THERE'S SOMEONE STUCK IN THIS SHADOW!!"

"OMIGOSHNOES!!" Artemis frantically crawled over to the poor, poor shadow.

"I'm not a possessed shadow, you two."

"LOL WUT?" Artemis looked up, only to come face-to-face with none other than Princess Zelda.

"I'd appreciate you NOT to laugh at my subjects, if you don't mind." Zelda stared down at the two girls, who were dressed in the clothes of the Kokiri, despite being teenagers and too old to actually pass for anyone of the forest clan.

"Gasp!" Cheyenne jumped to a standing position after recognizing the person in front of them. "Artemis! The plan!"

"Oh, right! The plan!" Artemis scrambled to her feet. "The plan! Uh… What was the plan again?"

"ARTEMIS!!" Cheyenne glared at her.

"What?! Do you know it?!"

"No…" Cheyenne admitted, "… But you were the one that made it up!"

"Well, your face!"

"Your face!"

"No, your face!"

"Your eyebrows!"

"STOP!" Artemis flung her arms out to the side. "Let's think of the first step!"

"… Right. I think first I was supposed to grab her-"

"No, that was me. You were supposed to insult her mother."

"Yeah… And then you were to threaten her with Octorocks…"

"And then…" The girls rambled on, while Zelda, perplexed, slipped away right under their noses.

"All right, we've got it!" Cheyenne triumphantly put her hands in the air. "Zelda, thanks for waiting, we really HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" She looked at the now-empty spot the princess had occupied moments before.

"That little…" Artemis' hands balled into fists. "We were supposed to… Never mind! To Hyrule Castle!"

"To Hyrule Castle!" Cheyenne ran off excitedly.

"WRONG DIRECTION, GENIUS!" Artemis rolled her eyes and walked smack-dab into a tree.

--

"All right, all we have to do is get past those guards." Artemis pointed to two men standing by the majestic gate to Zelda's home.

"Simple." Cheyenne lept to her feet and sauntered over to the sentries. She looked the two of them straight in the eye.

"THE GREAT CHEYENNE DEMANDS ENTRANCE!" She spread her arms out, trying to look menacing.

"Sure, kid. Whatever." One of the blokes told her, barely looking up.

"Uh… Really?" Cheyenne looked puzzled. She looked back at Artemis and motioned her to go ahead. Stepping into the castle, Artemis looked over at Cheyenne.

"Those were the worst guards ever." They both collapsed into fits of laughter.

--

Zelda stood at her room window, gazing out beyond Hyrule Castle Town, out into the field. She paused when a loud CRASH and muffled yells came from behind her chamber door. Curious, the princess tapped over to the door.

"What is going-EEK!" She fell to the ground as two girls fell through the wooden door. "Hey… Ow…"

"Prepare for trouble!" Artemis jumped to her feet.

"Make it double!" Cheyenne followed suit. The two girl began assuming random, epic poses.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Artemis!"

"Cheyenne!"

"Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

Silence.

"Oh, you're those two morons from before…" Zelda got up and glared at the girls.

"Artemis!! She's defying us!" Cheyenne dropped her pose and glanced over at her friend.

"Don't worry! Just stick to the plan!" Artemis turned to face Zelda. "Princess, hand over the Ocarina of Time!"

"Sure." Zelda pulled an ocarina out of her pocket and held it out. "Take it."

"Wha…? Really?" Artemis stood, dumbfounded.

"Yes. Take it!" Zelda shook it slightly.

"AWESOME!" Cheyenne ran up and snatched it out of Zelda's hand. "All right, Artemis! Let's go!" Team Rocket- er, Artemis and Cheyenne ran across the chamber and jumped out the window.

After landing in a crumpled heap outside the castle, our conquerors set off towards Death Mountain, Cheyenne jabbering away about shinies all the way.

_____________  
Huh. This is my first time commenting on the story, isn't it? Artemis, by the way. It's weird; you'd think I'd live for comments on this crap xD  
My writing is pretty rushed, sorry about that D8

Any writing help is really appreciated. Seriously, I'll love you forever.

REVIEW. PLZ. LOOK I'M EVEN USING CAPS AND I SAID'PLZ'.


	5. And Back to Scooterpup

Scooterpup ran, panicking, through Hyrule Field.

_Damn that owl! _She silently cursed the freakish thing that had swooped down on her the second she left Kokiri Forest. _Damn him, damn him, damn him...! _

The owl, whoever the hell he was, had blabbered on about whatever for hours. She had no idea what he was talking about; and he kept saying something about a boy with an ocarina. Like she cared about some loser like that, she didn't even know what an ocarina was. Artemis had probably mentioned it sometime ago, but Scooterpup tended to zone out whenever her _dear _friend went into Zelda Mode. Owl-Guy had mentioned that she should probably get to Hyrule Castle Town before nightfall, but when Scooterpup asked why, exactly, he just hooted and told her to stop standing around.

So, there she was, lost and confused. Owl-Guy had explained to get to town all she had to do was look at her map by simply pressing a button. Simple enough, except she didn't have one. Artemis and Cheyenne had taken everything. _Everything. _Now, normally she could have found her way (eventually), but the warning she had been given really freaked her out.

"Oh no..." The sun was setting and she still had no idea what to do. "Okay, Scooterpup, you can do this. Just... Yes!" She exclaimed as she noticed a dirt path snaking through the grass. Hopeful that this was something good, for once, she set down it. The town quickly came into view, and her panic subsided. She could make it, right? Yes, she was there, at the drawbridg-

--

Artemis: Well, that's no good.

Scooterpup: ...Why not?

Artemis: Because something good's happening to you.

Scooterpup: ...So? Keep it that way!

Artemis: -hits the backspace button- NEVER!

Cheyenne: -suddenly runs through, holding the Kokiri Emerald- I'm not important to this part at all!

--

Wrong. She couldn't. Before she could set a foot on the drawbridge a loud noise sounded and the wooden plank started lifting up.

"Wai- NO!" She made a grab for her only chance at actually doing something, but narrowly missed. Falling back on the grass, she choked out, "No... God dammit..." Hearing a sudden 'Sssrsch' she lept to her feet.. A sudden, undead... _thing _arose from the ground suddenly coming after her. She frantically grabbed her back pocket for her slingshot...

--

"Hey, Cheyenne." Artemis turned to her friend as they headed up the winding path to Kakariko Village. "What ever happened to Scooterpup's weapon?"

Cheyenne grinned sheepishly and held up a wooden slingshot. "Um..."

--

"Shi-" Scooterpup ducked and screamed as her short and pointless life [Scooterpup: Artemis!] flashed before her eyes. She'd never graduated... Or fallen in love... Or got an acting career... Or won an Emmy... Or bought those incredible hot pink 12-inch heels...

"...SUPER LINK!"

There was a sudden 'SHING!' and a flash of silver, and the Undead-Thing-of-Scooterpup-Killing-ness fell dead on the grassy plain.

Scooterpup, on her knees and breathing heavily, but her hands on her mouth and turned around, possibly to offer thanks, at least, to whoever just saved her ass.

"_What_ did you just say?"

Or not.

But the boy who saved her didn't reply, or didn't want to. Also he wore a dress.

Which Scooterpup noted in amusement, until she realized she was wearing the exact same thing.

"...Oh, _hell _no."

____________

Artemis: Lawl, nobody cares about this story anymore, not even me. Short chapters FTW, eh? Har har.

Also there are so many plot errors in this and self-insertions and on my honour as a Zelda nerd I will jump off a bridge as punishment.

Cheyenne: Allow me. -pushes Artemis off the Great Bridge of Hylia-


	6. The Worst Guards Ever

"Well, Miss Cheyenne, you know what our problem is?" Artemis looked into her Bottomless Pockets of Stuff keeping as Cheyenne peered around a rock wall into Kakariko Village.

"Well, Miss Artemis, no I don't."

"Well, Miss Cheyenne, I think I'll tell you."

"Well, Miss Artemis, you should."

"Well, Miss Cheyenne, I shall."

"So you shall, Miss Artemis."

"Yes I shall, Miss Cheyenne."

"Miss Artemis."

"Miss Cheyenne."

"Miss Artemis."

"Cheyenne, that was stupid and you should be ashamed of yourself."

"I'm sorry."

"Damn straight. Anyway, our problem," Artemis pulled out the ocarina they had previously kidnapped from a young monarch. "Is this."

"...The... Ocarina?"

"Yes."

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is that we have it."

"Oh. Well, that's not good."

"No, it's not."

"OH GAWD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO wait why's that bad."

Artemis rolled her eyes at her friend's _obvious and pathetic lack of general knowledge. _"It's bad! Because I totally messed up in the first chapters what little continuity this story had is screwed over. And now that we have the Ocarina of Time," She sighed. "There is so much havoc to be wreaked, so little time..."

Cheyenne snuck the Ocarina out of Artemis' hands and placed it in her Randomly Appearing/Disappearing Bag of Treasure beside the Kokiri Emerald, nodding all the while. "Uh-huh."

Artemis, who didn't notice the terrible crime, balanced out the pros and cons of their choices:

**Follow the plot, correctly this time: **This has obvious perks and anyone who needs a list of them is severely deprived in the brains department.

**Wreak havoc and mess stuff up, which may or may not include the eventual blowing up of Hyrule: **See above.

"Hmm..." Cheyenne also reviewed her own choices, which, by a magical coincidence, were exactly the same as those one line up. "I think we should sort-of-but-not-really-follow the plot, kidnap random people, kill innocent monsters, blow up important stuff and steal various sacred artifacts from the races of Hyrule."

"Well, _duh." _Artemis grinned. "Let's get cracking; we're doing this _our_ way."

--

Scooterpup waited outside of a building, leaning against the brick wall. She could hear pots breaking and _shing, shing, shing! _coming from inside. Peeking through the window, she saw her travelling companion, likely having fun, throwing the aforementioned pots at everything in the room -- the walls, the windows, the tables, other pots. He turned and flung one at the guard. Scooterpup winced, but it easily slid through the guard's head, hitting the brick behind him. She facepalm'd as Link collected the brightly coloured Rupees that littered the floor (that happened to hold no trace of his destruction), which somehow materialized in his wallet when he stepped on them. After hovering above his head for a moment, of course.

"Are you _done_?" Scooterpup turned to the boy as he stepped through the door. He nodded and pointed to a rock arch leading deeper in Hyrule Castle Town, then ran off, probably expecting her to be as excited to visit... whoever, Scooterpup didn't care, as he was. She shook her head and followed slowly behind. He'd done nothing but let out random yells since the incident in Hyrule Whatever, and Scooterpup was beginning to doubt that he was the one who _did _yell 'SUPER LINK!'. Besides, that was such a moron thing to do, anyway.

Still, she didn't see what her friends saw in the kid. He was little, scrawny, and some sort of dorky. Also he was ten. That _may _count as pedophilia, but Scooterpup always zoned out whenever Artemis started mentioning time skips and the various Links or something along the lines of that crap; she just didn't care. Also tunics were _such _a bad fashion choice like you wouldn't believe.

When she finally caught up to the kid, he was 'talking' with a young girl.

She was short (well, both of them were shorter than Scooterpup, at least), had long, red hair, a dress that looked totally wrong--in Scooterpup's opinion--and for some reason music played when Scooterpup neared her. She hung back, not sure what to do.

Correction, not interested in what to do.

Link turned and ran back to her.

"Okay, kid," Scooterpup sighed and played with her hair. "What are we doing? How are we getting into the castle?"

Link grinned and produced an egg out of absolutely nowhere.

Scooterpup stared. "An egg. That's your plan. An egg."

He nodded.

"Ugh. That's-- HEY WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING." Scooterpup yelled after him. He ignored her and began climbing a very convenient vine located along the side of a cliff, which had absolutely no other plant life on it other than the grass at the top. Scooterpup, not interested in getting a panty shot, waited until Link reached the top before resigning to the fact she was going to have to follow him if she wanted to get anywhere. when she started climbing she had a sudden urge to yell down 'don't look at my butt'.

Which she didn't do, of course. That would be silly, unlike everything else I'm narrating.

After Link hit a random rock statue with his sword for some reason that was totally beyond Scooter, after a strangely short night and after the egg gave birth to a chicken despite the fact eggs don't hatch that fast and SHOULD give birth to chicks, Link led Scooterpup around the land in front of the castle, easily avoiding the worst. Guards. Ever.

Scooterpup figured they were taking crack, there was no other logical explanation for their ineptness.

They climbed up another vine. Then went around the castle. Still not getting caught by the high guards. She watched as Link rudely awakened a fat guy in overalls with the freak-of-nature chicken, who (the fat guy) proceeded to jump up and run back in the direction from where they came. The Link did hero stuff or something, Scooter didn't know. She was examining her nails. The nail polish was chipped. And that pissed her off.

She was grumbling about her friends as she followed Link through a hole in wall. And as they avoided some more of the worst. Guards. Ever. She even grumbled as they made it into the Royal Courtyard, and continued when the two of them came across a young girl in a dress. A real dress. Not a tunic. A dress.

Scooterpup grumbled as Zelda talked to Link, grumbled as the two kids spied on Ganondorf through the courtyard window, but complied to listen to a strange woman, or Fashion Disaster Lady 347, as Scooter had kept track.

Link learned to play the ocarina in near-perfection almost instantly and they left the castle without a problem, likely due to the worst. Guards. Ever.

And so this chapter ends in the most. Anti-climatic ending. Ever.


	7. The End of the Beginning

Scooterpup grudgingly followed her companion up to wherever the hell they were supposed to go. They both came to a halting stop when they heard noises coming from just around the corner; presumably, from wherever the hell they were supposed to go. People screaming in agony, pots smashing, things dying and animals usually signalled a certain someone was in town—except he was right beside her. There was only one other entity that could cause such harm, only one other thing that could possibly pervade so much concentrated evil power and just the name struck fear into the hearts of every Hyrulean.

Cuccos were exacting their horrific might over the residents of Kakariko.

"Wait!" Scooter looked at the wreckage in shock. "Who would rile up the chi-_ cuccos_ so—oh."

Artemis and Cheyenne were waving around sword and shield, respectively, at the pissed-off birds, and laughing manically.

Link was already on the job.

"Link! Wait! Again …" Scooter sighed and sat down, watching the boy charge at the two obliviously evil girls.

Artemis and Cheyenne screamed out in unison, just noticing and immediately accepting their fate.

"WITH OUR LAST BREATH, WE CURSE ZOIDBERG!!"

_SPLAT_

Scooterpup winced. "Oh, _gross."_

--

"I don't know what you were expecting." Scooter sat on a fence and examined her nails, watching Link resentfully scrubbing at the now-bright red walls of a building. "Of course they're going to make a mess, they _were_ human. And no one wants blood al over their house, anyway. You could have killed them in a less gory fashion." She smirked and played with the Kokiri Emerald.

--

And so, with the two Epic Morons out of the way, Link saved the day, admittedly after sleeping away most of his chances to heroic. Scooter was sent back home after stealing some fabulous red heels from Twinrova, and Hylian legend recorded the Hero of Time's tale slightly differently than what you just finished reading.

For some inexplicable reason, Zoidberg went without his week's meal that day.


End file.
